It's a very odd feeling to know that something completely life-altering is just around the corner, but to have no control over how or when it happens. With my first pregnancy, I was so naive as to what labor would be like and how having a baby would change me. This time around, I am so, so anxious for this little boy to arrive because I know, at least in part, what's coming. At the same time, every day that passes leaves me frustrated because I'm so very ready to experience this labor, and there is so much I can't control that I'm just looking forward to getting through that part and beginning the journey of being a mama to two precious babes.
I have a friend with whom I frequently discuss the idea of "suffering well" and how that plays into our lives as gospel believing Christ followers. While I wouldn't exactly consider this a time of suffering, I have been so convicted by our conversations as I wait for this baby boy. Waiting is hard. It's not fun, and it's not satisfying. I have been trying so hard to make every day the best "last day" just in case I happen to go into labor, and have found myself frequently frustrated or criticizing myself when things aren't going as planned.
I feel like if this baby comes while Lorelei is under the weather or Jordan and I are bickering over the endless nesting projects on my list that I have somehow failed. I want Lorelei's last moments as an only child to be joyful, perfect, and full of love. I want to go into the delivery room feeling like Jordan and I are a perfectly happy, competent, prepared baby-having team. What I really want is to make my home here the most important thing, rather than my eternal home. I want my life to be idyllic and sweet and look good to anyone who might get a glimpse of it.
What I am so thankful for is a gracious Savior who has already done the work and written this story. I need not strive to be enough as a wife and mother, because my value has already been determined as a ransomed child of Jesus Christ. I am a great wife, a loving mother. I am enough. Not because I do it all or do it well (spoiler: I don't), but because I have been gifted the "perfect, spotless righteousness" of Jesus. Waiting is terrible. Waiting leaves me feeling empty and hopeless and frustrated. Jesus, on the other hand, is soul-satisfyingly complete and offers up a fountain ever-flowing. The sheer joy I feel when I live there is such a jarring contrast to the best I can create for myself that it's embarrassing!
Last night Jordan and I spent over an hour in the kitchen together cleaning up a rather unfortunate (and borderline toxic) spill in our refrigerator. I mentioned that I needed to clean it up and when we realized how bad it was he jumped right in to help me. What I thought would take five minutes ended up being a laughter-filled few hours with my husband over something as unattractive as a leaky bag of chicken. We spent the time chatting and laughing and bonding over how gross the inside of our fridge was, cleaning the heck out of it, and putting it all back together.
Friends, cleaning a refrigerator that has not been cleaned in way too long and has recently been overtaken by raw chicken juice is not sexy. Especially when you are 9 months pregnant. But having a few hours with the person I love and cherish to talk and to laugh and to remember how very blessed I am? That is such a gift. God so refreshed my heart by reminding me that even if my very last pre-labor experience is cleaning out the fridge, I am lacking nothing. What Jordan needs is a wife who loves Jesus and finds value in His finished work on the cross. What Lorelei (and baby boy) need is a mama who loves them out of response to who Jesus is‑not to who they are, or who I am.
So, I am doing my best to wait well. To patiently and joyfully sieze each moment God has granted me and to not waste time scribbling on scrap paper when God has already created the greatest work of art in the gospel of Jesus. And just maybe, this will be the day I finally meet my son. Or, maybe not. :)