ride the wave

(source)

Motherhood can be a strange ride.

There are the whole crazy pregnancy and post-partum stages, where strange things are happening to your body that you have absolutely no control over. Then there's the part where you actually have to, you know, mother. The other morning I was feeling frustrated by the pile of pants that don't quite fit just yet, lamenting the loss of my Pregnancy Hair, and..what's that? You aren't familiar with Pregnancy Hair? Well, it's a glorious condition wherein your head decides for whatever odd hormonal reason not to shed and you end up with thick, luxurious hair that does wonderful things. As with all good things, Pregnancy Hair too must come to an end. Unfortunately this happens when your head decides it no longer wants all that wonderful hair and so it all starts coming out with reckless abandon. For someone who has a thing about hair (be it mild phobia or major pet peeve) this is a very unwelcome process during an already chaotic time.

So anyway, there I am feeling totally creeped out by the amount of hair I'm shedding, while also realizing my favorite pants still look a little more like they were saran-wrapped onto my body than I'd prefer, and we're getting dangerously close to "woe is me" territory. Then my sweet boy, who has been hanging out on my bed, starts smiling and cooing up a storm, and I remember how very lucky I am. I throw on a pair of pants that allow me to breathe and go about my life. Cut to last night, when I spent an hour putting Lorelei to bed and the scales of motherhood felt perfectly balanced. We took our time reading, laughing, tickling, and relaxing (or "belaxing" as she currently calls it). We chatted and played and prayed and my sweet girl told me how much she loved me and went right to sleep. I was so aware of how sweet that moment was, so thankful to have time to bond with my girl. And then this morning we were back to an 11 out of 10 on the crazy meter with tantrums and yelling and crying and holycowhowisitonly8am.

My first instinct is to compare these early years of motherhood to a roller coaster. It's a crazy ride, with twists and turns and a few stomach-churning drops and most of the time someone is screaming and/or holding on for dear life. It's thrilling, fun, anxiety-inducing, and it's so fast and furious you might miss it if you blink. And yes, these times can feel pretty much just like a roller coaster. Yet as I seek to create balance for our family and make it through these years as gracefully as possible, another image comes to mind. I'm trying to think of motherhood less like riding a roller coaster and more like riding a wave. Waves are powerful and strong and they can knock you over and drag you out to sea if you aren't prepared for them. But when you are prepared, when you see them coming, you can put yourself in the position to ride with awareness and skill, to come out on the other side having accomplished something rather than having been strapped in and dragged around the track someone else built.

It takes practice. It takes focus and hard work. It takes self-sacrifice and more than a few falling flat on your face moments before you find your balance. Unlike a roller coaster, it's about equipping yourself for the ride with skills that will last you a lifetime. I have to say, many days I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I fall into bed exhausted, wondering if I accomplished anything good that day, other than keeping us all fed and free of injuries requiring a trip to the hospital. Riding a roller coaster can be defeating. Riding a wave, on the other hand, can be rewarding.

It's not a perfect analogy, but I think God wants me to do more wave-riding than roller coaster-riding. I see that when I prepare my heart by spending time in prayer, in the Word, and in a healthy spiritual community that I am acquiring the skills to overcome even the biggest, scariest, most powerful waves. I can't help but picture the disciples in a boat during the midst of a life-threatening storm, totally freaking out and losing it while Jesus slept beside them (Matthew 8:23-27). When they woke him, it took only a word to silence the storm. He simply spoke and it was so! Because of the gospel, that power is just as available to us now as it was to the disciples then. God will equip us, by His power, to ride the waves coming our way. My prayer for myself and my family as we continue to seek peace in our home is that I would draw on the power of the resurrected Christ to help me gracefully weather the stormy moments instead of strapping myself in and hoping for a good ride!

Oh and Mom? I love you! Thanks for everything. :)

you have God's attention

"You have God's attention."

The words I desperately needed to hear yesterday morning. The words I had no idea how deeply I was missing until they hit my soul like water in the midst of a desert. I realize these words may sound self-focused on their own, but in the midst of a glorious gospel message they were just the opposite. Through a message largely focused on mission, missional communities, and the state of our church body, God used the words of our dear friend and pastor to take my selfish and defeated heart and turn it toward the blessed freedom of Jesus Christ. Beyond the message itself, which I also gained much from, God wanted me to hear the most basic truth of what Jesus did on my behalf, and of how much He truly loves me. Me! I have been reminding myself of just that over the last few weeks, but "reminding" and "believing" can be more distant cousins than blood brothers sometimes.

In this first month of becoming a mama to two, I have experienced both more blessing and more difficulty than I anticipated. I knew I would somehow make room in my heart for a second sweet babe (a feat that seems almost impossible when your heart is already so full of love for just one!), and I also expected challenging moments. I expected tired and worn-out. I didn't so much expect that after the first few weeks of visitors, meal deliveries, and adrenaline wore off I would feel like I'd been hit by a train of emotions (with a very hormonal conductor, might I add). I suppose the beauty of bearing a child is that you quickly forget much of the early hardship as life gives way to a sweet little person blossoming before your eyes. You remember labor and delivery, but somehow when it comes around again you remember in a very vivid way (oh, hello again contractions). You remember being tired, but when you're sitting on the floor in the middle of the night with tears pouring down your face because you are justsofreakingexhausted, you suddenly remember just how tired you were the first time. You remember feeling unsure and confused about this whole parenting thing, but you don't remember questioning everything you've ever known until it happens again.

Can we do this? Are we going to damage them irreparably? What should I teach them? Do I remember anything I learned at that age? How did I even pass kindergarten? Am I really going to start doing concerts again in a few weeks? Do I even remember any of my own songs? Will I ever sleep again? When was the last time I showered? Why is my two year old so suspiciously quiet? Why is there so much pooping and crying happening in this house? For the love of all that is good where are all the pacifiers!?

The list goes on. The lack of sleep continues. Your two year old gets 4 spankings before you even get out of her bedroom some mornings and your infant wants nothing more than to be held at every second that day. Life‑even a beautiful, comfortable, healthful life‑can be hard. It can be so hard! And here I am trying just as hard to fix it. Here I am wanting, willing myself to be a better mom and a better wife. Not to mention that I have a stack of thank-you notes to finish and missed wishing a best friend "Happy Birthday" until two days after the fact. It's so, so easy to think we should work for it. That we should earn it. That if we could "white-knuckle it" (thanks for that visual, Pastor Jacob) it will all work out in the end and we'll get God's attention, that we'll earn His love.

Please, please hear this: You have God's attention. You do. You already have it. If you have said "yes" to Jesus and His sacrifice for you, you are His. So when He looks at you, the selfish mom who is feeling like a failure at 3am (or whoever you happen to be), He doesn't see the selfish doubter. He sees Jesus! He loves you as He loves his very son. The messy track record you've left behind is replaced with that of our perfect, spotless Jesus. God regards you as He regards Jesus Christ, that is, perfect. (I'll be honest, I sort of picture God handing out perfect records with Oprah-style enthusiasm here. YOU get a perfect record! YOU get a perfect record!)

As I was so lovingly reminded yesterday, that is no license to sin, and it doesn't mean God cares not for who we are in this life. Yet, if we truly understand the goodness of the gospel, that is all the motivation we need to ask God for the strength to do it better the next time. And the next. And, the next...

So whoever you are, whatever plagues you with doubt, fear, and the nagging feeling you're not doing enough, you're right. You're not, you can't and you won't, and you don't have to. Jesus already has, and you already have God's attention.

waiting well...

It's a very odd feeling to know that something completely life-altering is just around the corner, but to have no control over how or when it happens. With my first pregnancy, I was so naive as to what labor would be like and how having a baby would change me. This time around, I am so, so anxious for this little boy to arrive because I know, at least in part, what's coming. At the same time, every day that passes leaves me frustrated because I'm so very ready to experience this labor, and there is so much I can't control that I'm just looking forward to getting through that part and beginning the journey of being a mama to two precious babes.

I have a friend with whom I frequently discuss the idea of "suffering well" and how that plays into our lives as gospel believing Christ followers. While I wouldn't exactly consider this a time of suffering, I have been so convicted by our conversations as I wait for this baby boy. Waiting is hard. It's not fun, and it's not satisfying. I have been trying so hard to make every day the best "last day" just in case I happen to go into labor, and have found myself frequently frustrated or criticizing myself when things aren't going as planned.

I feel like if this baby comes while Lorelei is under the weather or Jordan and I are bickering over the endless nesting projects on my list that I have somehow failed. I want Lorelei's last moments as an only child to be joyful, perfect, and full of love. I want to go into the delivery room feeling like Jordan and I are a perfectly happy, competent, prepared baby-having team. What I really want is to make my home here the most important thing, rather than my eternal home. I want my life to be idyllic and sweet and look good to anyone who might get a glimpse of it.

What I am so thankful for is a gracious Savior who has already done the work and written this story. I need not strive to be enough as a wife and mother, because my value has already been determined as a ransomed child of Jesus Christ. I am a great wife, a loving mother. I am enough. Not because I do it all or do it well (spoiler: I don't), but because I have been gifted the "perfect, spotless righteousness" of Jesus. Waiting is terrible. Waiting leaves me feeling empty and hopeless and frustrated. Jesus, on the other hand, is soul-satisfyingly complete and offers up a fountain ever-flowing. The sheer joy I feel when I live there is such a jarring contrast to the best I can create for myself that it's embarrassing!

Last night Jordan and I spent over an hour in the kitchen together cleaning up a rather unfortunate (and borderline toxic) spill in our refrigerator. I mentioned that I needed to clean it up and when we realized how bad it was he jumped right in to help me. What I thought would take five minutes ended up being a laughter-filled few hours with my husband over something as unattractive as a leaky bag of chicken. We spent the time chatting and laughing and bonding over how gross the inside of our fridge was, cleaning the heck out of it, and putting it all back together.

Friends, cleaning a refrigerator that has not been cleaned in way too long and has recently been overtaken by raw chicken juice is not sexy. Especially when you are 9 months pregnant. But having a few hours with the person I love and cherish to talk and to laugh and to remember how very blessed I am? That is such a gift. God so refreshed my heart by reminding me that even if my very last pre-labor experience is cleaning out the fridge, I am lacking nothing. What Jordan needs is a wife who loves Jesus and finds value in His finished work on the cross. What Lorelei (and baby boy) need is a mama who loves them out of response to who Jesus is‑not to who they are, or who I am.

So, I am doing my best to wait well. To patiently and joyfully sieze each moment God has granted me and to not waste time scribbling on scrap paper when God has already created the greatest work of art in the gospel of Jesus. And just maybe, this will be the day I finally meet my son. Or, maybe not. :)

2013!

Image: Emily McDowell found via Camille Styles (a favorite blog of mine!)

This morning I woke up nice and early at 5:30, which is ironic because it's the first morning LJ has not woken up at 5:30 post-vacation. Most early mornings (especially these days) I find I'm so exhausted I fall right back asleep until I'm forced to drag myself out of bed and get miss Lorelei up, but today I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes with a million thoughts racing through my head. Something about the first day of a new year seems like it needs urgent attention!

merry & bright

Merry Christmas! I've said this before, but 2012 went by extremely quickly. It's hard to believe we'll be ringing in 2013 in just a few days, and I can't wait to see what the new year holds. I feel beyond blessed to have stayed so busy touring in 2012 with my wonderful, talented husband and our sweet Lorelei. Although I am so feeling ready to welcome our little boy into the world and into our family, I am savoring each moment we have to focus all our love and attention on our precious girl. She is a joy and a light every day! 

This year we have had much to celebrate, and it's such a blessing to be able to spend the holidays with family and those we love. This year, we are in Puerto Rico with my parents and brother for a few more days, and then we are headed to the icy midwest to celebrate with Jordan's family. Trading the beach for snow drifts actually has me a little bit excited as we haven't seen much snow this year! (Someone may need to remind me I said that in a week when I'm complaining about being frozen.)

I hope that this Christmas is a blessed one for each of you, and that the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ will permeate your heart and mind as we reflect on the goodness of God to send his only Son as a helpless babe for our salvation. The power of that message continues to amaze me, and I am humbled to have such a reason to celebrate. To be free from sin and shame due to the tremendous work of Jesus on the cross is a seemingly impossible gift that my soul rejoices to receive!

This year, I have found this lyric from "O Come All Ye Faithful" to be a particularly beautiful description of the arrival of Jesus. I hope the entrance of Jesus into our world will strike you now as never before, and draw us near to the throne of grace as we enter 2013.

Yea, Lord, we greet Thee, born this happy morning
Jesus to Thee be all glory giv'n
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing
O Come let us adore Him
O Come let us adore Him
O Come let us adore Him
Christ the Lord

God and grief

I had a hard time sleeping last night in the wake of the events at Sandy Hook Elementary yesterday. Lying in my bed, with my sweet little girl sleeping soundly in her room and an acrobatic little boy causing a ruckus in my ever-growing belly, I couldn't help but feel a small amount of the grief that the parents, family, and friends of the victims must be feeling. While I truly can't fathom what they are going through, I know that in this life, my greatest treasure is the ones I love.

I tend to battle anxiety and a lack of peace, so as I prayed for the families and thanked God for my own sweet little ones, I also had to ask God for a reminder of His heavenly perspective. It's very easy for me to give in to feelings of anxiety and fear, and yet, I know that dwelling there is opposed to the abundant life God promises us in Jesus Christ in John 10:10. I believe that His heart is also broken for these events. For the gaping hole in those families their precious babies used to fill. For the many, many loved ones who lost child and adult yesterday. For the loss people around the world are feeling every day as they endure crisis and tragedy.

We are not overlooked in our need. We are not abandoned to the evil that surrounds us. We are, however, temporarily inhabiting a world in desperate need of the Jesus of the gospel. In my own heart, I felt God gently reminding me that just as He loves and cares for me, He loves and cares for others. My job is not to protect my children from every evil and harm (although I would die doing my very best) or to control every aspect of their life and formation. My job is to love and serve a perfect, all-knowing, gracious God to the very best of my ability each and every day. I am here for the glory of God and to spread the name of Jesus Christ, not to build myself a tidy kingdom here on earth.

As the goodness of the gospel of Jesus' salvation continues to permeate my heart, I am asking that God would continue to give me perspective that outweighs my own limited sight. Too often I judge and condemn others without viewing them as beloved children God has already called, or desires to call His own. This world will bring trouble, but it is not our home. I don't have answers, and I do not wish to trivialize in any way the suffering endured here and now. I can only look to Jesus to fill the void I feel when I am overcome by the weight of such evil. Now, the words of 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 are comforting to me; I hope that you also find comfort in the message of the gospel of Jesus.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

prayer

Last night I had the chance to attend our churches' 7Fourteen Prayer Gathering, and I am so thankful I took the time to go. I didn't get a lot of sleep the night before, and we spent most of the day traveling and settling back in at home, so I'll admit I was planning to stay home with Lorelei and offer to let Jordan go. He offered first, and I knew despite being tired, I wouldn't regret spending an hour in prayer. While prayer is a daily, ongoing part of my life as a follower of Christ, it can also feel hurried or restricted when set between the busyness of each day's activities. The prayer gathering was a unique time to freely and openly speak and listen to God that encouraged and strengthened my heart.

parenthood

Today has me thinking a lot about parenthood. No, not the TV show (although it's one of our favorites!)... Lorelei turns two tomorrow, and while it sometimes breaks my heart a teensy bit how fast time is flying by, I am so grateful for every moment with her. Being a parent has taught me more than I ever thought possible, and I continue to learn and grow with each new day and experience!

Seeing the absolute helplessness and need in your newborn gives you a quick picture of how we stand apart from God. Created in His image, yet, unable to become who we might someday be. Pouring myself out for my little girl, raising her, teaching her to do even the most basic things all helps me realize how much we must be loved by our Heavenly Father. I simply can't put into words the love I have for Lorelei, and knowing that God loves his children with a perfect love, far more intense and extravagant than my own sense of love, is mind boggling!

Being a parent not only helps me understand God better, but it helps me to understand my relationship with him as his child. I see my own desperate need, and the rescue provided by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. I see Lorelei's wonder and amazement at the world, and it propels me to look at the story of the gospel with a new and profound sense of wonder and awe. There is much more to learn through parenthood about faith, trust, and obedience in my future, but as I contemplate the last two years, I am eternally grateful for the lessons God has already been teaching me.

It's crazy to think we just keep discovering more and more about God and who He is as we age and grow. I'm so thankful for a living and active God, molding me and making me more like Him by his awesome power!

the thief of joy...

With so much of our lives being portrayed online through status updates, photo albums, blog posts, and so much  more, we have a unique opportunity in this day and age to control much of what others see of us. Yes, the people who are part of our daily lives get a more realistic picture (assuming we are vulnerable enough to open up a little), but it's amazing to me how much of our opinions of one another are formed or influenced by our online presence. Today's post is about a trend I've seen and recognized in my life and the lives of others: the tendency to create an idealized version of ourselves to represent us online, while in reality, we are struggling with the perceived "perfection" of others and our inability to truly live up to those standards.

a favorite verse

across the spaces

A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God was one of the first books I read that really seemed to make an impact on my faith. I devoured it quickly, looking up words I wasn't familiar with, underlining favorite passages, and making notes in the margin. How easily I forget that my life is a pursuit of the one who made me, loves me, and wants to make me more like Him!

favorite

I always feel a little bit unoriginal when I really enjoy things that are so universal (hmm..isn't that why they're universal!?), but this Shakespeare sonnet has always made me pause and read through it several times. I think it's the fact that it echoes the well-known passage on love in 1 Corinthians. It reminds me that love is something set in our hearts by our Creator, and the expression of love is a reflection of who He is. I'm so thankful that He truly loves us to perfection; it motivates me to work out that kind of love in my own life. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Lit was always my favorite class throughout school. Were you guys literature nerds too? What quotes and Scripture passages are inspiring you lately?

get outside the box!

I have always had a naturally free-spirited personality. Especially through junior high and high school, I was often the loudest and most socially uninhibited among my group of friends. Under the right circumstances, I felt nearly invincible to unapologetically be who I was. Despite some struggles with anxiety and depression, which I kept pretty quiet (and plan to address with more in-depth future posts), I was an overall bubbly and outgoing person. Slowly, over time, I lost a lot of that, starting with an unexpectedly difficult freshman year of college. Recently I've noticed a shift, and I feel some of those old qualities coming back.

I've been thinking a lot about this cycle, and while there is no magical moment of transformation to pinpoint, I believe God has been teaching me a lot about maturity and confidence. Let me first say that I am by no means a completely confident and mature person all the time. If there's anything I know for sure, it's that I often do fall short in these areas. By the grace of God, I have learned a lot in the last few years, and I am excited about what God is continuing to teach me.

competition & Christianity

Quite a while back I wrote a post on competition and Christianity. A handful of you may have read it, but I’d like to “recycle” it today. It’s something I find consistently relevant to my life and something I’d love to share again. I’m using the base of what I wrote originally and updating it to reflect the new thoughts in my heart in the days between. Read the full post after the jump…